Banana Fish Tuesdays

2009-11-09T13:44:00.005-06:00

Above are some of the Veterans getting the tourney started on Saturday. They did a great job putting on an awesome tourney!

The rest are some photos I took of Tim's team playing. The got to the second day but fell short before semi-finals. Tim is playing goal with the red and black plaid shirt. He plans to edit some of these and get closer up views, like the one where Anchovy, purple shirt, is 'cuddling' Tim (basically trying to knock Tim out of goal) and the ball is mid-air by his back wheel.

It was incredible! Our crew threw the 2nd largest tourney this year in North America. 43 teams played. 1st day 88 games of polo played. 2nd day, Double Elim swiss rounds. Chicago beat the Beaver Boys to take 1st. It was amazing.

My team was made up of Me, Elliot, another COMO newbie, and Casey, a nice guy from Austin whose team days before fell through. He was more experienced than Elliot and I but I hope he still had fun. We lost 2 games, won one, tied one. It was awesome to get to play!
Now time for winter polo season, my first. Can't wait, this is when you make it or break it. After getting to see some AMAZING women come out and show up, I want to play harder, better and more solid.
I can't even begin to describe the weekend, all the crazy stories, great fucking players and how well the COMO Vets did making a great tourney!

Hopefully more photos soon and whatever else. Now that this is over, plus Halloween, I have more free time. I'll be keeping up with this blog more often.

Oh only if.

2009-10-09T16:14:00.003-05:00

These are exactly my size and what I want. Maybe not the color, I mean, I do love the color, just I am not picky about color. (unless it's white, I can't work with white). I am getting off subject. I just love these exactly because they are all leather, sole and upper, with a nice wood heel, no rubber crappy sole heel. Only if...
Sorry, I am really obsessed with oxford flats.

A couple things I'd like.

2009-10-05T17:08:00.005-05:00

I just love the silhouette of these shoes.

Oxford shoes... *cough* size 6.5-7

A vintage suit with circle skirt.

Channeling Peg Bundy

2009-09-11T17:48:00.002-05:00

Minus the hair. I like my rayon leopard print dress.

This is my new kitty, Otto

2009-09-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

I like over sized clothing.

2009-09-05T19:23:00.002-05:00

Jacket- 70s 'Risa Ann, New York'
Boots- 70s 'Zodiac'

mmmm vintage

2009-09-04T21:41:00.003-05:00

Preparing dinner in one of my favorite dresses. I featured it before but not on the body. edit- And the calendar in the back say 'honey, you couldn't handle half of me', so appropriate.

The MKT, an old Missouri railroad.

2009-09-03T15:56:00.003-05:00

And one of my sunflowers.

Birthday Pic.

2009-09-01T19:41:00.002-05:00

- Kristan Lieb

These are the only picture I have from my last birthday, but they capture the day. Enjoy!

Another.

2009-08-29T10:09:00.002-05:00

All of them, now edited.

New Favs

2009-08-27T19:24:00.005-05:00

This picture, I edited... The rest to come tomorrow.

All purchased at Absolute Vintage.

zucchini recipe

2009-08-13T17:39:00.001-05:00

This was really good! I think that more herbs could be added and less lemon zest but other than that it was really good. It makes about 12 cakes, and I could only eat three.

Zucchini cakes with Goat cheese and tomato sauce.

• 1 pound small zucchini, grated and squeezed dry in a towel
• 1/4 cup grated yellow onions
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil
• 2 teaspoons chopped lemon zest
• 1/2 teaspoon chopped garlic
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 2 large eggs, beaten
• 1/2 cup olive oil
• 1 (5-ounce) log goat cheese, very thinly sliced
• Tomato Sauce, recipe follows
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan

Directions
Preheat the oven to 200 degrees F.
In a large bowl, combine the zucchini, onions, basil, zest, garlic, salt, and pepper. In a small bowl, combine the flour and baking powder. Add the eggs and flour mixture to the vegetables and stir just until combined.
Heat a large, nonstick skillet over medium-high heat for 3 minutes. When hot, add enough oil to coat the bottom of the pan. Add the batter by tablespoons into the skillet (making sure to spoon both batter and vegetables), leaving 1-inch between the cakes. Immediately drop a round of cheese into the center of each pancake. Top with another tablespoon of batter to enclose the cheese. Cook until golden brown on the bottom side, about 1 1/2 minutes. Flip with a spatula and cook on the 2nd side until golden brown, about 1 minute. Remove from the pan and place on a baking sheet. Keep warm in the oven while preparing the remaining pancakes.

We made out own sauce, a chunky veggie tomato sauce. I'd also say that the cakes can be cooked a little longer on each side depending on what kind of texture you want from the cake.

Peppers from the garden!

2009-08-09T11:51:00.002-05:00

We have picked more, to bad I don't like jalapenos, Tim loves them. We have also picked a couple cherry tomatoes and about 6 zucchini. Better then nothing, since this summer has been awful for the garden.

coming soon- photos of a couple new dresses!

Garden!

2009-07-22T16:50:00.003-05:00

I know I never posted pictures of the garden itself, which is best since it is not a pretty garden. I really need to weed... BUT! I have a zucchini! Now I need a really good bread recipe for it... or any recipe.

2009-07-20T11:48:00.008-05:00

This is the girls games, well two of them. We are the players with the front wheel covers. Megan is the tall dark haired one, Julia is the blonde, I am the one with the white shirt and helmet. The only team we beat was another girls team. They were good, but the Como girls were able to win 4-2. (that girls team went on to win one game against a guys team)
The mountains were our backdrop as we played, which was amazing. The court was slick, so I included a picture of me getting up from a fall. (I took many, mind you and if Adam, our awesome house host in Denver, posts pictures I will grab the one of my legs bruised more than ever.)
The first game with the girls was rough on both teams. My brake cable popped out, so I played the last 4 minutes (out of ten) brake less. This meant running into walls and goals to slow down, and a lot of foot downs (which you have to go center court and tap back in). Still we managed to win! And I got an amazing slap shot goal!
The second game was against one of our como polo teams. They beat us hard. I know my heart wasn't in the game because I really wanted them to win and move to the next level (although they only got 4th, robbed of 3rd). The third game was against Josh's team, the tourney host, who had previously played a very new team (month or two playing) and the other girl's team. I mention this because if they had played Arizona (amazing!) or a boys como team (also amazing) before the finals (this was a double elimination bracket set-up) they would not have gotten 3rd let alone 4th. Well they stomped our girls team, but we put up a good fight (since we already understood that Josh had done something to the bracket).
Speaking of the bracket, this is why TNT (the Tims and Nick's team) didn't get a fair chance. Double elimination brackets are set-up so that if there are an uneven number of teams a team gets a buy-in to the next round, playing a winning team and depending on how they do playing another winning team or losing team. However, as I understood, Josh was not excited about Como having three good men's teams so he decided that his team would not play TNT, like scheduled, the first round and put them up against a team that already played and lost already... what? And then their next game put them up against Arizona. I can't explain really all the logistics of how this is fucked up (cause it would take too long) but it was fucked up. And then Josh's team got into the finals and lost twice against como teams without getting a goal in one game and just one in the other. However, they still got third because they played 3 easy teams to begin with and won, while the como team that got 4th had played the como A-team and Arizona, receiving their only loses, meaning they couldn't get third. Once again, Josh's team never once (before the finals) played Arizona or the three como guy teams before finals and all three como guy teams had played Arizona! He had it out for Como, yet he still got his ass handed to him when his team finally played the A-team in the finals. HA!
Even though the 4th place team lost Drew in it's final game because of a really hard fall that twisted his ankle, the two remaining offered Josh a final show down after the tourney to prove they would still kick their ass 2 on 3 and were rightfully the better team. Josh refused, probably because he knew he had rigged the bracket to get 3rd and understood that his team wasn't all that good but claimed exhaustion.
Besides the tourney mishaps, Adam letting us stay in his nice ass house in Denver was awesome! We set up a camp city in his backyard and showed how the midwest gets down. Denver was great and flat! perfect for bike riding.
Can't wait for the next tourney.
Here are the pictures!

On the way top Denver. backwards.

2009-07-20T11:38:00.003-05:00

a quick update.

2009-07-20T00:42:00.002-05:00

Just got back to Columbia, about 15 minutes ago. Denver was beautiful, the mountains were sickening, in a way... overwhelming is a better word. The tourney was good, besides some little things I will elaborate on in a later entry.
However, the girls team, Julia, Megan and I got 7th. I made a goal that I still can't believe I made, a lovely slap shot. I think the next tourney the girls will be far better. I will post pictures and more elaborate stories soon!

Denver here I come!

2009-07-17T08:14:00.001-05:00

Next week I promise to get on it with this blog. I will have a lot more time come Monday. Expect more clothes and work update. Plus, pictures and stories from Denver. My first time seeing the mountains in person. The bike polo court is suppose to be at a base of a mountain. Come one, does it get much better?

Oh yeah and my new polo bike.

2009-07-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

2009-07-12T13:10:00.003-05:00

I wish I had photo taking abilities but I really should leave it to my expert friends. I tried to capture this dress Jen gave me for a bonus, but I am no good with lighting and blah blah blah. Next time I wear it I'll have Timmy take a few pics. (when it's on a real body it is ten times more amazing!) It is early 40s crepe, the tag is "Four Stars Fashion". I love the sash and cute little jacket with faux pockets, oh and the pleats in front that flatter all chest sizes, it is just a great dress.

Family

2009-07-04T12:55:00.003-05:00

I stole this from my sister's blog, South City Musing. It is my Father's family, that is him in the forefront on the left, age 6. There would be two more boys born. My dad was 3rd oldest. I just love it, for the history that it is and the era (1957). And my grandparents manages to make some cute towhead kids.

Vintage sunglasses

2009-07-02T10:36:00.003-05:00

I should have had Tim take the pictures, so sorry for the bad light and so forth. The sunglasses are still yummy!

Ok just a couple more...

2009-06-28T13:18:00.005-05:00

So after bar. Went to Nicks and played in his hammock. ComoPolo crew rocks.

...

2009-06-27T23:58:00.006-05:00

It has been a long week. A trip to St. Louis and doing great activities for cheap or free (love it), work and more work, and, yes, bike polo, lots of time playing bike polo. Last night was amazing! The games are getting faster and intense. We are considering entering the tourney at Denver, although our chances will be so-so, the experience will be fantastic. Below are pictures of the girls starting up playing, and pow wow-ing between games. There are also a few of the boys (one of Timmy and then one of them in play) and, yup, a couple from Snappers afterward. I wore the white helmet most of the night, Julia later smashed a can atop it, 'nuff said.

Photos from last spring

2009-06-20T19:39:00.005-05:00

A friend, Kyle, took these photos for his photo journalism portfolio/class. The first set was inspired by Bonnie and Clyde and the second set includes two of my favorite dresses. The second dress has leaves and with tree name below each image, I love the print! Both I purchased at the store I work at, and the photos are taken inside that store.

My Polo Bike

2009-06-17T23:06:00.005-05:00

Timmy turned the old cruiser into my polo bike. And I like it! (I only made and put the wheel covers on. Timmy also made my mallet.)

I had to add this photo. Rosie has decided that the trash bin makes a great cat bed... She looks fat and sassy.

To Come...

2009-06-14T13:10:00.005-05:00

-Some more photos of favorite dresses, especially the one I wore for my bday on Thursday... However, I don't think anyone took pictures at the event, so no photos of the great day...

-A quick overview of my birthday, which was spectacular!

-Photos from bike polo and an overview. The girls are getting pretty frisky out there and we have the bruises to show.

-Photos of favorite shoes I own. I'd take photos of all of them but I am pretty sure there are just too many....

Here is a photo of some of the boys in town who play bike polo. This is not the usual court but Mizzou was 'showcasing' the polo team for bike week out at Lowry Mall on campus. from left to right- Timmy D, Charlie H, Pete A.

Two favorite textiles

2009-06-08T16:53:00.002-05:00

Two dresses that are also great textiles. First is a Jonathan Logan, second is Loungees, At Home Fashion. and the last two pics are of the kitties interfering with the pictures and watching.

this past weekend

2009-06-08T13:24:00.002-05:00

I wish I had had Tim's camera with me this past weekend.
Another night bike ride on Friday that ended in a late hour.
Saturday, Nick and Tim took me out to an abandoned parking lot and got me started on bike polo.
Sunday was a super lazy day till the evening. Went out to Cosmo Park to start practicing bike polo with the other girls who are interested. We have five girls all together, and I think that only one might drop out. We didn't do so bad, just tried to stay up on the bike and keep contact with the ball.
Later that night Nick and I went to a 'free' punk concert and ran into one of the polo girls, J.. Then the three of us went to a park and played on the swing sets under a full moon.

When the girls get a bit better I will for sure post pictures. I am totally excited about summer now.

More Hats!

2009-06-07T14:56:00.004-05:00

Blue felt cloche style - Gus Mayer
Navy pillbox - Stix, Bear, & Fuller
Black medium brim straw hat with layered netting/lace and white band - Ranleigh
Black quilted beret (on red hair) - Bethmar

It makes me sad that the rest are brand-less. Some have a felt stamp but that's it.

Hats, Hats, Hats

2009-06-07T12:21:00.005-05:00

These are some of my hats, about half. I will post the rest later when camera batteries have charged. I believe most of them I purchased at the shop I work and most of them do not have tags. Here is a list of the ones that do.

Ivory felt cloche style hat with studded paisley and plume - Adolfo II
Black felt cloche with bow and rhinestones - Bethmar
Open top mink pill box, with netting and bow - Beresford
Brown felt with fox? trim - Mathilde Car

I wish I knew who designed the turquoise velvet hat with side swirl and the mustard felt with black plume but both give little clues.

Burt and Rosie

2009-05-27T19:24:00.002-05:00

So here is a sequence of pictures showing my cats enjoying a pizza box... I haven't taken the box away from them yet, since they love it so much... but it doesn't help my status having empty pizza boxes around for my cats.

I wasn't able to get the pictures where one or the other tackles their competition for the box, but Rosie is glaring in at least one of the pics, waiting for her chance. Burt won out this time, but I've noticed Rosie not budging for him today. Simple things keep them happy. I suppose.

2009-05-23T09:52:00.002-05:00

Bevin and I talked forever last night, about common complaints and a little shop she went to in South St. Louis that happened to have a ton of 50s aprons. And she bought a couple. They don't seem rare in the Midwest, I have a couple myself. But, the whole thing reminded me of this picture from a few years back at a friends birthday. The hostess had to get a picture of me in my 50s dress, with her 50s apron, holding a drink. (actually, thinking about it, almost every time I wear a vintage piece to a party there winds up being a picture like this one)

side note: I miss short hair as the weather gets hotter and more humid.

Just Because

2009-05-20T19:30:00.000-05:00

I really love this photo.

two dresses

2009-05-14T21:29:00.005-05:00

I got both of these dress for free. The green one fit me perfectly and had seam repairs. The black and white chiffon was big, but since most of the seams had been ripped I took in the whole dress about an inch and a half, giving it a better fit, and new strong seams (it included taking out the zipper and re-attaching since the fabric had deteriorated there, so there is a picture of the final product).

Boots

2009-05-13T19:19:00.003-05:00

To Come...

2009-05-13T10:13:00.003-05:00

Pictures of...

the veggie garden, which is thriving, especially the squash,

two vintage dress repairs that turned out nice, and the dresses were free,

also some repairs for the shop, because the pieces are beautiful,

and my new collection of cowboy boots, thanks to Kat.

Oh what a beautiful morning....

2009-05-09T10:23:00.003-05:00

Oh what a beautiful day....

It is super fantastic weather this morning! If I didn't have to work in 40minutes I would be out in the garden eating up this weather... But, alas, work wins again.

I met my neighbor, the one with the beautiful yard, about 3 months ago. We had waved at one another a few times and spoken about gardens and birds but never formally introduced ourselves, probably because we had forgotten before we started acting like acquaintances. This morning, while outside checking on my drowned plants and drinking a latte him and I started up another conversation about birds and gardens. Finally at the end he told me his name and asked mine.

"My name is Terry what's yours?"
"Colleen"
"Cole-een?"
"No, Ca-lleen."
"I will bring you strawberries when they start to come up"
"and I will bring you vegetables if my plants survive."
"Ok, sounds like a deal!"

I am really starting to like it here, at least for now.

Tim and I went to the Botanical Garden when in St. Louis

2009-05-05T19:42:00.007-05:00

and as always it was beautiful. The iris and the azaleas were blooming, which flooded the air with a sweet bitter smell. LOVED IT! Also a Giant Dogwood tree captured my attention, causing me to fantasize about it in my yard, and me under it... I really love the garden. Timmy took all the pictures (and I am posting them before he got a chance to correct any). Also, one last pic of my tulips, a pink one that bloomed yesterday.

2009-05-02T12:55:00.003-05:00

My garden smells bad.... where I am growing vegetables. It has a manure/metallic type smell to it. It is the mud not the areas mulched, I know that, or is it. I am also getting oily puddles, is it the dirt or am I cursed with some nasty run off. But from where? The Mulch? And I just spent an hour trying to dig ditches away from the plants that have been flooded with rain. uggg any suggestions?

The forcast said rain, but we willed it off.

2009-04-29T17:06:00.013-05:00

This is before we took off on the MKT trail, that connects Columbia to the Katy Trail that leads us to the Les Bourgeois Winery. There were 12 of us. The rest of pictures show us riding the trail, the hike up to the winery, and winery with beautiful river view. And finally the attempt to get home, which included a flat, a long stop with crazy behavior, and the Big Tree, a 300+ year old Burr Oak. They aren't exactly in order but I am too lazy to screw around with that.

After a long day

2009-04-25T19:39:00.006-05:00

which included annoying customers, spending a fortune on a stupid prescription, and realizing I am completely broke for the next week... I got home, was really upset, and saw this.... My first tulip of the season! Although it didn't change my financial issues or completely brighten my mood it made me smile. Those darn tulip plants didn't seem like they were going to come up let alone bloom (grubs in the soil), so it's nice to know that one thing went right today, the earth gave me a tulip.
Bike ride to the winery tomorrow, weather permitting, should help calm my restless worries about money... for a day, at the least.

to come... pictures of my vegetable garden, it's huge, tomatoes, peppers, squash, melons, it's still in progress. And the bonus of all my work... free tasty food. Timmy took pictures

trying to not let you doubt again

2009-04-24T01:31:00.002-05:00

I feel the trembles of tomorrow
and wonder,
why doesn't time leave me alone.

Pursuing not the inevitable
I focus all energy
on pure chaos.

In contrast, I'm calm.

The slightest touch shakes
all that I've known,
and makes the the impossible.

Glazing over stupid memories
we purpose that all indiscretions
were the purpose.

If only we pretended.

Seeking the now in the past
I push towards the center
and find emptiness.

Making promises for tomorrow
I stop
to doubt.

I Wont

2009-04-19T03:31:00.002-05:00

The heart doesn't falter
or fall,
It takes no stumble in it's beats.

The image of a man
smeared and tainted,
in the beautiful sense,
doesn't see the absolute truth,
but,
neither do I.

Tracing the ground
in perfect lines,
the world stops for a moment.

Cliches overwhelm
and gazing drips deep.

I can't do better then now.
But, I never could.
In a sleepy haze I live.

The perfect dark sky
overshadows reality.
The moon bows
to the angles of your face.

In a moment of sighs
I wish to hold my breath.

Under What I Thought

2009-04-15T22:26:00.003-05:00

Shifty eyes
and
hands.

The room doesn't spin
or
create new dimensions.
I can feel nothing but

the ground.

In an attempt to escape
I fail.

A glance
and
hurtful words.

We play the role
of
forgotten lovers, or
just no roles

at all.

blah blah blah

2009-04-06T13:08:00.002-05:00

I have been doing major sewing and deep reflection. I realize the absolute love I have for a needle and thread. I can shit poetry all day but it doesn't calm my soul like sitting at a sewing machine for hours, meticulously stitching a 1950s chiffon day dress back to it's original state (maybe a little smaller, to fit me, and since most of the seams had already frayed away).
I love poetry, it can be like nourishment, but I can't wear a poem around to show it off, hell, it's hard enough to speak a poem aloud and get a honest response when so many people would rather placate each other.(I think that is why I have such a love hate relationship with poetry, or maybe just poets.) With a piece of garment I've mended, or sewed entirely, it doesn't hurt my ego when someone hates it, where I can't say that for sure about my poetry.
I've always had confidence when it came to my apparel. It could be because my mom gave me free range over what I wore, and despite my oldest sister's objections and jokes, I continued to rock those outfits (I also have to remind, Bridgett helped me buy my first real vintage dress at age 11, a 1960s navy and ivory linen shift type dress). When I do feel self-conscious in my clothes (and I have before), it's always for the right reasons; fabric, shape, and size, it's never because it's not the 'in' thing. However, that doesn't mean I don't sport the 'in' thing or hate it, cause I love it! but in my way, mixed with my fashion.
My point is, I love clothes. I think that was apparent by the time I was 7. There maybe times I wish I were more creative with my garments, but there is never a time I doubt my love for designing, sewing, and wearing clothes! However, I cannot always say that for poetry, I feel there is more growth to be had. So, here it is... I want to pursue a career in one of the following fields; costuming for live theatre, fashion history or design/alterations. Now that the reflection is ending, I have to figure out how to do this...

2009-04-04T03:00:00.003-05:00

-Tim Altnether

I had the good night tonight... I almost wished it would go on.

"Wont you walk me home from school"

2009-04-01T00:44:00.006-05:00

In a hand ball court,
in the forefront of a park
she spreads her limbs.

They reach no corners
and no walls
in the small box.

She pulls out cigarettes,
he pulls out a liter,
they smoke,
to be adults.

In the fog of a Parliament
she wishes to not see his face.

Her heart does not ache,
it feels nothing,
when he pulls in to kiss her.

They smudge the burnt ends on the white walls,
leaving a semi-permanent mark
for tomorrow.

Looking at one another
he must think she wants him,
in the darkness that is to come
and the loneliness that is to follow.

Fleeing the the white walls
they try to feel mud beneath their feet,
tracing tracks,
they know
they have taken before.

The trees lean,
creating darkness
where light once was
and then again
darkness.

She does not pull
out a sign of love,
or a hand to grab,
just another cigarette,
gazing at him
for a light.

2009-03-28T17:34:00.002-05:00

The weather blows chunks. It isn't just the rain and, soon, snow, but the combination of the two mixed with up to 40 mile/hour north winds. It took me twice as long to get home on bike today.

I thought it was spring.

Help

2009-03-21T10:46:00.001-05:00

easy low end sewing machine? something that would be used to mend, not make whole garment... any advise?

2009-03-20T22:50:00.002-05:00

I sometimes wish... or dream....

That I had done something with my voice.

That I sewed everyday.

That I could dance as crazy sober as I do when drunk.

That I could dance as passionately drunk as I do sober.

That my thumb was greener.

That my taste buds weren't dead from too many years of smoking.

That I wouldn't feel guilty about nothing and everything.

That I could sleep all day and night, live in my alternative world of dreams.

That my love would be expressed better. Cause I love you. Even if I've never said it.

That my hair was naturally straight.

That my Life was in order.

That my bills were always paid by someone else.

That poetry came out of my pores, like it once did.

That when I feel like I really have to pee, I actually really have to!

2009-03-14T10:32:00.002-05:00

photo- Kristan Lieb

I think today is going to be a beautiful day. It's a paper blue sky.

True/Flase, praises and complaints.

2009-03-08T14:28:00.008-05:00

Now that the festival has ended and I've had a week to soak in all the information while trying to prove to myself that I can make changes in my life, I'd like to talk about it! I will give you a quick overview of what Tim and I saw. Hopefully when they come out on DVD you will watch at least on of them up.
Waltz with Bashir - dir. Yael Nahlieli
This is about the Israeli invasion of Lebanon in 1982. The main character is trying to deal with his repressed memories of the invasion and massacre in this animated doc. I don't want to give away too much, because the I'd hate for it not to be viewed personally but the animation is necessary. It represents the main characters inability to face his memories in a realistic light. By viewing it in animation there is a no longer a distinct line between reality and dream, the events become distant from the viewer, just how it is for the main character. I heard a lot of complaints by other attendees about the animation being distracting, but I scoff at them, because they are obviously stupid. Also, can I say that it is a significant movie for our time.
Profiling - dir. various
I missed this film because I was incapacitated but Timmy saw it and rubbed in my face how good it was. It is a collection of shorts profiling individuals. He said that the one about two friends in a very small town was really good. Also the one a bout tattooing in Australia. Wish I could say more but I'll have to wait till it comes out.
Loot - dir. Darius Marder
There are no bad movies at T/F but I think many people, especially young people, were hesitant to see this doc. about two different WWII vets who had buried treasure during the war, and a treasure hunter who is determined to help them and himself find the loot. It was really, really powerful. It gave two different views of vets whose lives, without either of them knowing the other, had paralleled along the way and how the treasure hunter's life is following the same path. I am getting chocked up and chills just thinking about this amazing film. You laugh the first half, because these old vets are hella interesting, and then you cry because you think about your grandfathers, who most likely deal with the same nightmares that these men deal with. It doesn't glorify the Americans, instead it shows how WWII was horrible for young men on both sides being forced to make choices, bad and good, like any young person does in war today. The ending is the best part, and where everyone will and should cry. It really gives you a different view of the men who fought in WWII.
Big River Man - dir. John Maringouin, co-dir. Molly Lynch
If you plan to see any of the depressing movies that I have and will talk about, see this one afterward. It is so uplifting and wonderful! It is about the Big River Man, who has conquered everything from the Yangtze to the Mississippi. His message? There are not enough clean bodies of water, especially, rivers in the world, where for many countries, the poorest survive by. In this doc, he swims the Amazon, yes the MF Amazon. It is just so spectacular. You get to watch this man descend into insanity to show people that their actions count. You will fall in love with Martin Strel, the Big River Man, and how his hard life has brought him to swim the largest and most polluted rivers in the world. You could watch this one with young kids, too, they would probably find Martin to be some sort of super hero, or just a goofy guy. (however, Martin is a heavy drinker and might not be appropriate for all) The director spoke before the movie, he explained that with most docs you take footage and mold it into something that creates/heightens the subject matter, but with Martin, you can't do that, you can only witness. SO SEE IT!!!!
Food Inc. - dir. Robert Kenner
This movie makes you think about the most essential daily task we do, eat. Although, the ending becomes a little preachy, which may turn off those who are unwilling to accept that making small changes in the way they see food could help the whole damn world, it is still a great informational movie. Maybe we shouldn't eat so much meat and produce that is shipped from across the world? This movie doesn't say, be vegetarian, not at all. It says, eat locally and from local farmers, not the major corps that have simplified farming to the point where money is more important then the well being of the humans that eat it. For example, the movie features a small free grazing farmer who the FDA threatened to close because he slaughtered his chickens in the open air. Yet, still his chickens were far more healthy to consume (like, less bacteria in the meat) than the chicken manufactured in big corp farms even after they were given antibiotics while alive and chemical baths after slaughtering. hmmmm... This movie makes you think about how we consume and ultimately how it affects the world we live in. Even if this movie didn't change the majority of people who viewed it during the festival, Tim and I are trying. More Root Cellar (the local year round farmers' market type grocer, that has free graze meat) buying then out of season produce and corp meat. (It isn't so easy at first, hence we are trying)
Rough Aunties - dir. Kim Longinotto
This movie is rough. There is so much heart ache and losing. However, the message is a good one, and to watch these strong women do good for a community that failed them, or took from them is empowering. It is about Operation Bobbi Bear in Durban, South Africa. Bobbi Bear is a program that helps children who have been sexually abused find justice. It uses teddy bears in the consoling of the children. The movie starts with a young girl drawing on her teddy bear what a man, who broke into her room, had done to her, and then band aids are used to heal the wounds she has depicted. It is a very powerful beginning which is followed by more powerful scenes of triumph and tragedy. I would re tell the whole movie, because it was one of my favorites but that wouldn't give it justice, one should see it and feel it for them self.
No Impact Man - dir. Laura Gabbert and Justin Schein
This movie is about a Man, his wife, and their young child going off the grid while living in New York City. They do things as simple as to not drive and only buying locally from the farmers market to living without electricity. (Bridgett, you would like this one.) It shows that if you take the time, time you might use for watching TV, playing on the internet, or shopping, you can live very simplistically. Ok, it isn't super easy, but it is feasible, if you waste a lot, instead, don't by so many prepackaged food items/plastic containers/things that wind up in your trash a week later. If you drive, reduce if you can't eliminate, like, don't drive the 1 mile to the store, walk or bike. I don't know, I am bias towards No Impact Man because I never learned to drive and I am filled with constant anxiety when it comes to wasting. I don't live with out toilet paper but use it sparingly, but I haven't bought paper towels in 2 years and don't plan to any time soon. Most weeks, Tim and I put out more recycling than trash, which is a start but no solution. This movie doesn't ask you to give it all up but to find the things that you'd be willing to change, the things that you think are important. Sorry, I think I was just a tid bit preachy there.
The Yes Man Fix the World - dir.Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno
This is the second Yes Men. They are two men who fool media/ corporate seminars/ trade shows. Basically they put the obvious out there for the people who are disillusioned by big CEOs/Companies. It is really a hoot to watch these guys get away with shaming companies that no one else is willing to hold accountable for their bad actions. It made me feel like I live under a rock. I follow the news daily but when watching this movie I realized how much is hidden, or rather how much I don't know, but am not surprised by. It was really good, and although some might not want to leave their disillusionment and think these men are just doing harm, if you are smart you'll like it.
And if you don't like it/get it, or any of the other movies I talked about, then you are dumb. Yes, dumb. I will be the first to pass judgement on you because to not feel these movies or to not change one thing about yourself afterward is appalling in my book.

Cell phone etiquette

2009-03-06T10:13:00.003-06:00

I am not trying to put on airs, like I am some perfect cell phone user (because watching others do these things I have realized my own mistakes, it's a wonder to step back), but really, can we reduce the annoyance? I only have a couple complaints.
First, answering your phone should not be accompanied with a bad pop song, or a drawn out repetitive melody. I hate normal ring tones, like landlines, but they are not nearly as annoying as all the others. I say, put the damn thing on vibrate when in public situations, especially in closed off spaces. This is really minor, I know, but if you cannot answer your phone in less than 6 seconds, then do not have the ringer on the highest, most annoying sound setting.
Second, if you plan to have an intimate conversation, with someone in person or someone on the phone, do not do it when you are sopping or at a restaurant with close seating. When people talk loud enough about private things that I can re-tell the whole story it is no longer a "I speak loudly" situation, it is a "I am all about me-me-me" situation. (I bow my head in shame for ever having done something like that.) So keep your private thoughts in a forum among friends, not strangers helping you look at jewelry while you spat out who is sleeping with who on your too expensive of a cell phone.

I had to rant about this. I also promise that I will keep my cell phone usage to appropriate times, mainly when alone or in my house.

True/False 2009

2009-03-01T22:29:00.033-06:00

I will later post a review of the whole festival. It ended tonight and I have to take in all the fucked up information I received before I can give a review. I can say, I cried half of the time and laughed the other half. Here are some photos from Friday, opening night. Jeanette, Andrew, Audrey, Alex, Tim and I went to the big ass party and these photos are evidence of our demise. Jeanette=long dark brown hair, and great earrings, which she probably made, Andrew=Skinny dark short hair, he might be trying to be a philosopher, Audrey=short pixie hair, she looks like a fairy, Alex=mid-length brown hair, with red eyes, and Tim and I are obviously the others.

"let the world go by all lost in dreams"

2009-02-21T00:50:00.003-06:00

This house
we've been to,
this field
where
nothing grows,
nothing proves.

This place
we've traveled,
examined,
these memories,
these regrets.

I don't claim
given attributes.
I don't claim
this place.
The sun rising
over clouds
and under God.
This country
we were given,
this space we filled,
all of it.

With the slightest move
light beams shine through
the smoke of a cigarette.

Moving into your arms,
reeking
of tobacco,
I am consumed.

Slow Club

2009-02-20T19:23:00.003-06:00

I watch too much TV. I love this song that is played in a potato chip commercial. I love the harmony. Below the video there was a play list of more Slow Club, but it would take too long for the reader to upload...!

I am really digging them.

I love "when I go"

2009-02-19T23:11:00.003-06:00

- Kristan Lieb

I try to keep things in false check. I push things away more often than dealing with the tangled mess they offer.

I find myself very lonely here. I don't know if winter is to blame or the obvious. I think the conflict comes from what society expects or what I perceive society to expect. I don't feel like I am hitting a "quarter life crisis" although, that is what society would call it. I am dissatisfied.

Most of the time, I am just bored. And I think it is the worst. I am wasting hours daily, doing what? I don't even know.

I don't want the typical job. Or be the typical stereotype of an English major.

I want to write. I, also, want to make clothes. But how much do I really want my own shop? To have to worry about it... I am so bored with my job.

Maybe I need to try harder.

Beyond that, Burt, has learned to open cabinets... he likes to get up in the high ones and lay there. Perhaps, he is thinking, "I am the king of this place, up here"...
And Rosemary, she purrs most of the day, she must love something about her life.

please, lets keep this weather...

2009-02-07T21:45:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, we took the first bike ride of the year. The weather was awesome, and although the trail was muddy, we went out 6.5 miles to the Perche Creek bridge, the last bridge before the Katy. The trees all bare revealed horizons we never saw in the summer, and most of the creeks were partially frozen. With low water level and ice the creeks appeared marbleized.
Today I am sore. The ride kicked my ass. Still, great to take advantage of a beautiful day in February. However, I will need a few more rides before I'll be ready for a winery trip, that's for sure.

"I will saddle you down"

2009-02-05T23:47:00.007-06:00

Sitting in an empty room
I wonder,
I smoke,
I drink.

The day has been too short.
The night,
It will be too long.

I'll last.

I clasp what I can.
It's brief
And seldom,
On the brink
Of an edge.

In the dark
I see you,
A figure.

Been dreaming of anything.
Death,
Love,
Flying,
All between.

In a moment of gasps
I feel
The slightest touch,

I remember
Better times.

If I were this empty room
I'd fill it
Up.

If you were there,
In that moment,
Tough,
Solid,
It'd be the same.

But the time keeps arriving.
In smears of black
and white,
Without corrections.

I place my hands on the ground
To feel gravity,
To sense falling.
Nothing is there.
Just the wondering.

the love/hate of bicycles

2009-02-04T19:05:00.003-06:00

People should be more attentive when driving. Both on bikes and cars. But, really... I should not have so much trouble in Columbia, MO.
I think of the excuses that drivers would make for being shits on the road, like...
"I am from a small town where people only ride bicycles on sidewalks, so I cut you off."
"I thought it was illegal for bicycles to be in traffic... that's why I honked at/yelled at/spun out my tires and sprayed snow on- you."
"I am a total jackass."

I am pretty patient. I typically follow bicycle street laws (would that be the name?) to the Q. But being a non-driver just makes me more bitter. Cannot these dumb asses tell that I am riding a bike in fucking 20 degree weather and below, you'd think not with how little respect they give. I should look into our public transportation for rides during winter...

I really miss warm weather.

I cannot wait for a winery trip. Although the ride in July is hot, the trees are full. If you hit the right time of day the trees shade one side and the Missouri River cliffs the other. If you hit a nice day sitting at the winery is perfect. Atop the cliffs with a view of the river and tree covered cliffs beyond! And, with my new 3 speed the ride will be easier than on my cruiser. I've been day dreaming of this.

I give it 2 months if lucky, but more like 3.

I like bad television

2009-02-02T21:10:00.002-06:00

And I should really stop. I have wasted too many hours watching TV this winter. It's just so easy. If you want to see a cute baby hit up my sister's blog, South City Musing. Her 3rd and first boy for her family and both sets of grandparents. His name is Leo. (the other two are Sophie and Maeve)

MORE 90s PARTIES

2009-01-30T23:55:00.005-06:00

This is one piece of evidence I attended a 90s party. The dress, I swear, was made of trash bags... and was water repellent. So here is the story...
Arriving with Bevin, our hair up in the beautiful swoop that elongates the forehead, and, Bevin, with the side ponytail, me with horrible dress, we fit in perfectly. Kristan had something on, that I swear one of my classmates in Texas wore for some formal event, a bleached out jean skirt and fringe top... some other highlights were... more bleached jean, New Kids on the Block tee shirts, cargo pants, neon leggings, leotards, and heavily loaded flower prints!
My dress could have come from a south Texas prom, with the horrible floral print. Rachel's husband asked if I was Mexican. I thought he meant the dress but later I found out he asked that about most everyone.
We played bad drinking games and some people took bad jello shots. At one point a group of people invited by Slim showed. They were welcomed but they were not in 90s attire and they left suddenly. One of them had the best gold grills.
The night progressed into drunken chatter and pizza eating. And sleeping.
It was a great time. I got to let off steam built up from living in Columbia and hangout with people that I really love to hangout, especially Kristan.
It is always nice to see Kristan. She dated a guy I had dated once, but way before her. When I met her I was very hesitant, because she was dating him and I was very judgmental of his girls. But, I got to know her and realized that she was too good for him.
When I came back from my first year of college all my friends were in different places. But Kristan started to hangout with us and I had someone to relate to.
Then a friend of mine died and everything else fell apart. I started to hangout with Kristan all the time. She would pick me up at 10pm and I would stay out till 4am. Although my dad would say things like "You need to get over it", the death of my friend hit me hard, it was a realization of my mortality. Kristan, though, didn't say a thing about it, just brought me out of my hole of depression into whatever she was doing, which was hanging out with people full of life. OK that sound super cheezy but that is what it was. That was one of the best and worst summers of my life. I don't think I would have made it through the summer without Kristan.
So going to her birthday party was reliving the great times I had had, but now.

Everyone loves bananas on tuesdays!

2009-01-17T23:39:00.004-06:00

While I wait for my friends, Kristan and Matt, to arrive at my house, very late, to stay up most of the night, drinking, playing games, and talking about nonsensical subjects and the sensible, I thought... why not blog!
The weather has prevented me from doing much of anything. I hate the burning sensation that cold leaves on the face and limbs, it make me so unhappy that on days below 20 I sit under a blanket for hours, in front of the TV, wishing it was May. Although this doesn't solve a thing, and I still have to got to work, therefore, leave the house, I insist on doing it. But, tonight, I cleaned, so that my friends wont think me a slob, and the moving of my body gave me energy (it could be that today was above 20)!
So I put in and application at Starbucks... I am selling my soul for money, and I am very happy with the choice. I haven't heard anything, yet, but I have high hopes...
And that's it. It has been too cold out for me to do anything exciting enough to blog about...
EK!

now this is funny!

2009-01-09T20:09:00.006-06:00

Love Is Foolish, In The Right Ways
We walk,
disguised in shadow,
playing other characters...

One sun beam hits
a cheek bone,
a jaw line.

The desire
to kiss you.

If we were up against
each other.
Walls
Doors
Floors...
You'd think the same.

I push,
You pull.

Beneath the night sky I see specks,
of specks,
of specks,
and wonder if I am too drunk to be outside...

You lift on a fixed gear
to drop,
to lift,
to drop and fall in the street.

If we were old we would dance
in front of our expensive fireplace
with wine and cheese...

But we...
push and pull.

I shake my hair,
push at my shirt,
stomp to a rhythm.
You grab my waist,
pull at my belt,
look at me sincerely.

I haven't wrote in a while. Things are always the same. I am trying to get a second job. Christmas was awesome, I got a family tree and the national geographic!

I just wrote the poem above. I havent revised, so sorry. I will revise when I am 35 and realize the shit I did wrong.

I will keep up again, again.

If Only I Could Write Him an Ode

2008-12-13T21:09:00.001-06:00

I trace the outline of the stars

Not pulling them down,

No, my eyes, push them

further

and away.

It’s been one of those months

In the darkness of drinking,

In the shadow of reality,

pushing away.

I fight against

And dream of the what ifs.

I am not so lonely,

just secluded.

If I try

I can trace his face,

Or the image I imagine it would be.

Memory is tricky

And not always kind,

Full of clichés

And regrets.

I rarely believe in God

But this is one of those months,

I pray to him every morning

And curse him at night.

Against the stars I push

And feel whatever I feel

With no regret or clichés,

I push it

away.

OH!

2008-12-12T22:50:00.006-06:00

The Rules: go to Your Pictures file go to the 5th folder open up the 5th picture and post. I had to post this because when following the rules on my sister's blog, this is the picture I'd have to choose, and it makes me chuckle. A friend took and added the caption.

to clarify.

2008-12-08T17:43:00.002-06:00

Jesse loved the song Joey, and this last week Rios was convicted by another jury of Jesse's murder.

Now this song, I love. And it pairs nicely with Joey.

The week is over

2008-12-07T20:31:00.004-06:00

I wanted to write, but nothing came. I wanted to tell the whole story but couldn't. I wanted to give it meaning but, alone, the song does it all.

2008-11-22T01:49:00.003-06:00

I've been looking at old pictures... there is always a twinge of jealousy... nostalgia... sadness that accompanies pictures. I wish I could re-live the time... to be there once more to say what is on my mind... to those I feel have always been there... who've betrayed me... or someone I love... Pictures bring these emotions up in me. It does not help that accompanying them is "My Little Drum" from Charlie Brown's Christmas... WHICH I LOVE!!!
I look at these pictures and figure things have changed, people have moved on. But,... it is hard to let go of the moment in fear that it will pass into lost memories...
Last year was a year transition. Going from college to a "regular" person was difficult but I had Audrey.... sometimes Justine.... and Bevin. Now Audrey has left to KC, Justine, always working, just got an offer to move to Florida, and Bevin, although, two hours away, does not call me as much now because of her new beau (meaning she has someone right there to comfort her) .
I am girlfriendless....
In high school, I had Dani, before moving to St. Louis, then it was Meghan and then Claire. Dani and I still talk but she lives in NE. Meghan and I drifted and Claire became someone that I didn't understand... so here I am... without that close girlfriend...
I remember the time when I declared girls were no good, they only brought drama... and now I want one... I need that companion who can relates to me because we are of the same sex...
Looking at pictures just makes me sad. I have not hanged out with a girl in months, just me and a girl, months. The last time Audrey was in town was it... we sat on Andrew's front stoop waiting for him to get home. We drank a few beers, smoked a couple of cigarettes, and chatted it up. We talked about the weird shit that always follows Audrey and how I am constantly restless.

I miss it

I want a girlfriend

I need it

....

I am determined to live in a different type of world than the one I experience today.

2008-11-01T22:28:00.006-05:00

When did the generation that once wanted change become so bitter? When did they wake up and say, "It's time to become just how our parents were"? I try to take into consideration that they may not be asking for women to stay at home... for segregation... to dumb down the citizens... I also take into consideration that too many people idolize the 60s as peace loving times. I understand that... It takes grit to cause change... It takes tearing down and rebuilding in a new way...
It takes the right generation...
One with some courage to say "hey, fuck you, I want to live in a different world than the one you settled for", they might say it more eloquently... but not me! I am saying FUCK YOU! I have a degree that if used would make me an editor, and if you cannot tell by my blog, I would suck at that... or I could be a teacher with another year of education, another year of debt, another year wasted to do something I cannot imagine myself doing...
I work, maybe at a job that people would not be proud to hold, but I work and I am proud. I pay my bills. I save when I can. But, I live paycheck to paycheck... so I don't give a damn about the woes of people making 250,000 or more a year. If I made just 10,000 more a year, being without kids, house, car, I would be set. I don't drive, I bike, I don't eat out, I cook, I don't buy new, I buy used, so 10,000 would mean I could splurge on a vacation when right now I cannot afford to visit my family, pay off my loans quicker if not a majority of them, save for the house I one day would like to own. Do you know how much I would make a year if I made 10,000 more... 18,000.... I don't even make 10,000 a year...
So how can I perpetuate something that is bad for me...? How can I accept that what is good for me is another damn old man claiming he'll do something for me...? How can I back down and say people will vote for whoever... When it seems so wrong not to vote for something entirely new, something that may be frightening but only because the other option seems safe...
When people I thought had taught me to be an individual, be free, understand that everyone is equal, that money can ruin relationships, make you hate your life, are voting for something that is against everything I thought they represented, it is disheartening...
When did you wake up so bitter....? When did you decide to stop progressing... be so comfortable to forget that you were once where I am... in a rental property hoping that after rent and bills you had enough to buy groceries...?
You may think I am young and don't have enough life experience, but you are the ones who have forgotten passion, the feeling of discontent, the want for change... I feel it... and honestly believe it's still within you...

it is so easy being young, yet so tough... only if I were a little more wise...

2008-10-25T23:49:00.006-05:00

Do you ever feel like you do something for good but only find that it hurts you...? Maybe for someone you love, maybe for someone you say you love but really hate and are determined to take down? You find that in the morning you hate yourself because you are so determined to make something work that you know is a failure... or maybe you wake happy because it worked...or maybe you are young and stupid, determined to take you own path, ignore others suggestions. I am all of the above. I won't take others advise because I really believe that no one knows me. The one person I am totally honest with is Bevin and when I finally admit something to her it has been in me for months, months, months. I cannot deny her my doubts, fears, cliches... I am not focused, I have no faith in myself, I hate my lips, I fear death so much I have anxiety attacks daily, I do not have healthy relationships... with anyone... I love myself when I am alone dancing, my cats are my world, I am a control freak, I sing in the shower, I think I might have some odd fetishes that I refuse to accept, if I could be a boy I would be, I wish I had done everything different in college, I loved college.... I show little emotion because it's easier, I am very human, I sleep because I honestly believe my dreams tell me more truth than I allow myself in daily life...

I know this song is on a damn commercial but that is so relative as well. I feel like this so much... even for myself, as if I try to impress myself but fail constantly... and how does that correspond to others... the same...

I am not trying to be miss sap.... I know it's easy being young, and I know it's tough, I know so little...

Been gone again

2008-10-24T23:11:00.002-05:00

However, I haven't been gone because of work, just plain neglect... The next week will be work, though. I just had to tell a story from today.
It's funny, the first 6 months working at a place you might have some stories, but overall (at least in my case) they are good ones. It isn't till you are heading on a year and a half that they become bizarre. It has to work like that. Normality can only last so long before you have women clogging the toilet with toilet paper, you see the biggest roach you've ever seen, you help a virgin cross dresser with their first dress, and, of course, try to catch a garter that has just slithered out of the backroom into the next door, the bathroom. I didn't catch the darn thing, too afraid of it biting me. Actually, I was bitten once by a friends snake so I shouldn't have been shy, but it was pissed and I was tired. The day started with me making coffee pot with no pot under it, meaning coffee everywhere... then killing a giant roach... then seeing the snake slither into the bathroom. I tried talking it down (what is wrong with me) by explaining I would take it to my backyard where it could eat all of my yard bugs. This didn't work and eventually it disappeared into a very large hole in the wall under the sink... I suppose it will eat some roaches and be happy. However scared I was of the snake, those roaches did nothing to me, every one I saw today ended with me smashing it in a melodramatic way. It was satisfying considering the frustration with the snake.
Expect more of these stories come end of October and the slutty holiday Halloween! I despise darn stupid girls. Wish me sanity.

just an add on, it's gotta be one of my favorite songs...

2008-10-03T01:16:00.001-05:00

Sorry, I have been elsewhere. As in somewhere in my mind.

2008-10-02T23:01:00.002-05:00

I have been on an hiatus from my blogging. No reason. Just been busy visiting family and working almost full time. So, this will be way too long, but everything that I've been waiting to blog about.
First.
I love my place of work. Jen is by far the best boss I've ever encountered. She respects me and gives me a lot of freedom, while not being the kind of boss that only wants to be my friend. She is constantly teaching me the business, and I have truly grown working under her. However, I am her only employee. This doesn't drive me crazy until she leaves town to head back to Lincoln, NE where she owns another shop. When she does this, I cover all the hours at the shop. 35 hours about, in one week. This is not full time but still overwhelming because I am in charge. I still don't buy, but hope she will teach me soon, for it will alleviate the frustration of having to explain to sellers that they must return in a week or so in order to sell. For example... a phone call... from one of those sellers...
"Absolute Vintage"
"Hi, I was wondering what the selling policy is."
"The owner is currently out of town till Friday and she is the only one who buys. I can let you know her hours, so either you can call back or come in?"
"Well, I was curios about if you do consignment or....." long pause.
"We buy or give credit. We don't do consignment."
"What is the percentage, or ....." long pause. Let me say that this was one of many days where I was at my wits end with stupid customers.
"Well, since I do not buy, I cannot tell you for certain what we will give depending on how we price the item later."
"Well, what kind of stuff do you buy?"
"'60s and older."
"Oh, so you buy newer stuff."
"No, we buy 60's and older. So, we don't buy '80s suits or modern clothing unless it is a great piece." (I mentioned '80s suits because so often I say '60's and older and then they bring in these hideous '80s suits. THINK PEOPLE!)
"Oh. Well I AM SURE that there is SOMEONE there who can TELL me the PERCENTAGE for buying..." short pause while I breathe in so not to explode at this idiot.
"ACTUALLY, there is NO ONE here that can TELL YOU the PERCENTAGE, because I AM the ONLY employee." long pause.
She then asked where she should go for newer type items and I pointed her to every other shop whether or not they'd be interested just to make sure this bitch never stepped foot in our store with her modern shit!
*sigh*
This day later ended with me screaming about how much I hated people, Tim being the brunt of the anger. My tipping point was finding the someone had picked up trash off the sidewalk and placed it in my bike basket. Any other day I would have perceived this as some idiot thinking they were doing a good thing by picking up some loose paper on the street, and unable to see the trash can 20 feet away, placing it in my basket as an easy way to rid of the litter... WHAT THE FUCK!!! FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING IDIOTS!!! Of course some other things that led up to this break down were, (by the way I have been working the shop alone sine sept. 23rd. tomorrow I will work all day again, but Jen will finally be back in the afternoon to stock up the shop for the Blues Fest this weekend. which means I will be working all day saturday as well...) 1) Some girl pulled at least 30 things off the floor to try on but asked for it to be held in the dressing room for 30 min. while she went to do god knows what. She never returned. 2) Dealing with, on a daily basis, at least one woman, 40s and older, soccer mom, SUV driving, rich bitch, who either treats me like shit because I am young, she thinks I must be a college student, I work in customer service, or my so offensive tattoos. 3) People talking loudly on their cellphones in the shop after their ring has gone off for 30 sec., which happened to be some bad pop song. Cellphone are great and all but not in closed off public spaces! STOP BEING SO RUDE PEOPLE!!!! If you must answer, make it short, or leave the shop!
There is much much more I can complain about but it is making me angry just thinking about it.
To more positive things in my life. Poetry! I have been changing some things in my life that have made me more creative. I have been dreaming, thinking, living poetry again. I know that sounds lame, but it is all coming into place. I haven't written anything yet, because of time, but it's there, and this makes me soooooo happy!!! I am just feeling it again. I know I lost it for so long and to think that my brain is rewiring towards poetry just makes me feel on air. The only thing I worry is that I've been here before and within a week or so it was gone again. 4 years of writers block is killing me. Going from writing a poem daily, whether just shit I was feeling or something I was really proud of, to nothing, has been been very hard. I have feared over the past couple years that it had disappeared, that it was a passing fad of mine, or all creative nature within me had dissipated into reality. But, now, it feels real again. That passion that was in me has appeared again, but different. I am older now, and view things not so idealistic, but am ready for this new turn.
So, those are some things that I have been wanting to talk about. Hopefully I will write something soon and be proud to post it! Also, work today was wonderful. I met a few of the blues artists that are playing (by the way, it is the Blues 'n Roots 'n BBQ Fest) and it shows me some of the great perks of my job. I have met some of my favorite artists at the shop. Karen O bought a dress and shoes one day, Modest Mouse bought a suit and some shirts... I have a job that when I am 30 I will brag to my nieces about, and persuade them to work in resale retail because artist love that shit! (of course not forever, they should own their shop eventually like I would like to do with my sisters, yeah Bridgett, you really should be in on this venture, you are the level headed one!)
So, all around I am happy with life, even when it kicks me in the ass I still see clearly enough to know that the path ahead can be easier.

Some Vintage Clothing talk.... YUMMY

2008-09-12T16:15:00.010-05:00

So recently I have purchased/received the best vintage clothing items, at least the best as of now.
Jen (ie owner of the boutique I work at) had me over for drinks a few weeks back, which was a fabulous time of looking at her fantastic stuff and burning CDs. While there she gave me a dress, as a sort of bonus, that she knew I would love. It is a 1940s black, knee length, short sleeve, dress (just imagine classic 40s dress up garb) and on the front, near the neckline, (and this is why she gave it to me) two silver beaded swallows. OH MY GOD, it is quite the piece.
But the two hats I've purchased, for very cheap, are what I am obsessing about. One is a winter white felt "Adolfo II New York Paris" with a plume and a studded paisley on the side. It's more of a cap and the side with the plume dips down a little further than the other, giving it a beautiful shape on the head. The plume was damaged at the end closes to the hat, so I sewed it down right where the crack was and it's fine now. Also it is missing some of the rhinestone studs, 2 actually, but when I have some time I plan to purchase some at a craft store.
The other hat is an ivory silk jacquard wrap/cloche/turban style hat. It no longer has it's tag, and it was slightly stained and needed areas of the fabric tacked down again. It was some what stiff, natural of vintage hats, they usually have a mesh layer that is stiff, but becomes limp when wet (what is that layer called?). I WOULD NEVER, EVER recommended what I did next but I soaked it. I wasn't too worried about ruining it, and I know how to treat jacquard fabric, however, I was slightly lazy and it was my first attempt of doing something like this. I soaked it over night on delicate cycle, then in the morning, because I didn't feel like putting it in clean water to rinse and then drip dry, I closed the lid and let the cycle finish... yikes. Later when I went to retrieve it, the hat had unraveled sort of, it mainly lost all of its stitches (mind you it was already falling apart). So, that night I stitched it back together, and wore it today. People loved it, so I am pretty happy with it.
So here are pictures of the 3 items, also, a few of the kitties. Burt is the black cat, Rosemary is the pretty one.

he is about 3 feet...

to top the night off with some favs

2008-08-22T01:07:00.001-05:00

Self indulgent

2008-08-22T00:25:00.010-05:00

If I told you things I did before
Told you how I use to be
Would you go along with someone like me?
If you knew my story word for word
Had all of my history
Would you go along with someone like me?
I did it before and had my share
It didn't lead no where
I would go along with someone like you.
It doesn't matter what you did
Who you were hanging with
We could stick around and see this night through.
And we dont care about the young folks talking about the young style
And we dont care about the old folks talking about the old style too
And we dont care about our own folk talking about our own stuff
All we care about is talking
Talking only me and you

I've come to some realizations about my poetry. I stopped writing, I fear, because I've been too afraid of being self indulgent. I am not self indulgent just because how I grew up but because I can't escape myself. I write because it is necessary for me to get things out of my head and I hope people in my generation can relate to my poetry. I know that most generations feel like the lost generation and mine is no different. But, I am from a generation of distractions and my writing stems off from my own distractions. Memories, dreams, unachievable goals. I am an attention whore, a rude observer, and a collector of both.

IF I WERE 17 AGAIN
Things that I know
And Believe,
Beneath
The underneath
In parks
After dark
Disguised as pirates.

Getting high
In back seats
Wishing
High school
Was less than a phase.
While we
Over act
In plays,
Missing after school white trash fights.

At a downtown block
A concert
In an era
Of dangerous parking lots
Believing in invisibility
In the light
Darkness
Of the city

Sitting up
To the setting sun
In a giant face
Finding
That it always brings
Tears
To my eyes
And not to yours
Under a closing sky.

A Few of My Favorite Things (Ten to be Exact, not in any order)

2008-08-20T19:53:00.003-05:00

We are currently snagging wireless but it is fickle. So here is a post that has been on my mind.

10) Karen and her 7 month old baby, Ethan, coming into the shop where I work, at least once a week, to try on all the vintage dresses no one else does (but are the best pieces in the shop). This makes me happy because she often buys the dresses. To know that those dresses are going home with her puts joy in my heart, because I know they have a good home.
9) Gifts from Bridgett. Not that all other gifts are bad, not at all, but Bridgett knew me before I knew me. She has been buying me vintage trinkets, boxes, and household goods for years. I asked for a mixer, she bought me a 60s Sunbeam. Hell, she brought me to The Vintage Haberdashery where I bought my first vintage dress (which I wore until it fell to pieces).
8) Family dinners. If you have never met my family, a dinner with us will explain everything. We are passionate people and most of us are too damn smart for our own good. The conversations have molded and taught me.
7) Going out with Tim, only us. We recently rode our bikes along the Katy Trail to Rocheport and spent two hours sipping wine. We talked about social issues and how we fit into society. When we weren’t trying to be smart, we talked about our relationship, and how we were somehow destined for one another.
6) Dancing with Bevin. She introduced me to Shattered. She got me to dance on a dance floor for the very first time. She made me fall in love with Joy Division. She stomps the hardest, and flings her hair like a sex magnet. My dancing tries to imitate hers.
5) My parent’s constant support in my life. Although they think I am living in sin, turned my godmother against me, and aren't always happy with my life choices, they were the first people to tell me “Do what it is that makes you happy”. I am happy.
4) Fire Flies at night, sunshine during the day.
3) Rosemary and Burt in the morning after I feed them. They eat most of the food and then proceed to chase one another through every room of our new house. Their little paws go Thump! Thump! across the wood floors. (they need the exercise, they’ve gained a few extra pounds)
2) Having a clothes line. I have always loved the smell of clothes dried in the sun and wind. Now with my clothes line I can do it every day.
1) Hanging out with friends and playing Risk. I have won 3 out of 6 games. Beyond that, hanging out with friends that are like minded is great.

I will blog about the new place soon. It isn't completely together yet but Tim and I are much happier here!

MMMMM... New Order.... and some Joy Division filling... my favorite kinda cake

2008-07-25T23:38:00.004-05:00

There is no footage of Joy Division playing "Ceremony" so New Order it is

and finally

A college town will eat you alive, if you don't consume it first!

2008-07-24T22:43:00.015-05:00

Catching up on family member blogs, I came across my sister's about Chuy's closing. This was a Tex Mex restaurant in Dogtown. It closed about a month ago, I read about it in the RFT, immediately called Bevin and told her to relay it to Bridgett. I guess she forgot because Bridgett only recently discovered that they had closed.
Chuy's had been a place that reminded my family of our time in Texas. We celebrated birthdays, graduations, winter days, and the winding down after a stressful family day there, it was truly our restaurant. Not only did they serve the best Tex Mex I've had since the authentic breakfast burritos I use to eat in Round Rock (most Mexican restaurants in Texas were Tex Mex style, which is different from traditional Mexican fare), everyone in the family could find something to eat there. I come from a family of very diverse tastes; vegetarians, savory eaters, and sweet tooths. The RFT had mentioned it's closing in their column "Drink of the Week". They featured one of the margaritas, but really the article was a homage to the family owned business of 16 years (I believe it's 16, maybe 18?) . It was really upsetting to know that one of my favorite things in St. Louis, somewhere I had recommended others to go, talked about, dreamed about was closing. But as I finished the blog Bridgett had written, the truer meaning, the deeper meaning was that things change. This is a somewhat cliche statement, but recently it has been on my mind, mainly how Columbia has changed since I started school here 5 years ago.
Wine and Cheese, where I worked as a dishwasher for only a month and also, where Tim and I had our first 'anniversary' closed about a month and half ago. They had great pork chops, that I swear they spiked with sleeping pills because of the satisfying, sleepy feeling you had after eating the tender, perfectly cooked chop. They sold wine, and at one time had the best selection of cheese you could find in the downtown region. When I worked there and dined there, the cook was fabulous, but apparently after I left he quit, probably to move onto better things. I think this was their downfall, and also getting rid of the cheese bar and putting an overwhelming 'chic' bar in it's place with over sized HD flat screens. I suppose they hoped to get a wider customer base? A cat fish eatery is now taking over the space.
But that is only a small part of my history in Columbia that has disappeared. The real place, the one that defined my life for more than two years, and gave me purpose every Thursday and Saturday, was SHATTERED. At barely 20 years of age, Tia and Bevin got me into the gigantic dance/ once concert hall club.
Bouncer- "Can I see your ID?"
Me- "uh..."
Tia- "The cops took it from her"
Bevin- "Yeah, she's over 21"
Tia- (with sad face) "Would I bring someone underage here with me?"
Bouncer- "OK"
I was in.
I met/became great friends with a lot of people there. For example, Mikey the bar tender, who was in grad school, Upstairs Jason, who was mine and Bevin's upstairs neighbor on Rosemary, or Troy, a 50 something single woman who danced with me on Saturday nights. At Midnight on my 21st I was at SHATTERED (and they overlooked the fact they had been serving me for months). On Saint Patrick's day I was there, drunken slow dancing with Tim to some Irish band. After Tim and I graduated from college we took his two best friends there, got crazy and danced our asses off all night. It was one of the most awesome places in Columbia. I saved money each week so I could go there on both Thursday and Saturday.
On Thursdays they had bottomless cup for $5 and 80s to now electro and new wave. Thursdays were typically regulars only but although the club, being huge, felt empty, we made the best of it.
Saturday was the main event, 80s night. If you are from Columbia or lived here when Shattered was open you probably down talked the club. Most people I met over the years made fun of me for going there, including friends who judged it as a not cool enough spot. However, I took their judgments as proof of their insecurities and still do. People who didn't like Shattered 1) thought that only losers, asshole, and townies went there 2) usually weren't the dancing type or only danced to hiphop like over sexed maniacs 3) didn't know how to relax and have a good time with a diverse group. Saturdays were proof of the amount of different people who went there. From Mizzou football players (who happened to one night get jacked up by some bouncers after starting a fight) to whole wedding parties after their reception was done. And then there were the regulars who I often danced with.
It closed on Saturday, December 16th, 2007, actually Bevin's birthday. She would have come into town but had work and that weekend a snow storm hit most of Missouri. Nick and I ventured there by foot in the freezing cold. Tim met up with us later after work. Everyone who had ever loved the place seemed to be there. Pixie, the DJ, played everybody's favorite songs and most of the night the dance floor was a flood of bodies. It was really amazing. We sat up on the stage area, which gave you a great view of the whole club. They probably were over capacity by 12am. The whole night was incredible.
They kicked almost everyone out around 2 am (30 min. after bars legally close) but let the remaining people, made up of regulars and workers, stay till the booze was gone. Pixie kept playing songs, and Mikey kept pouring the drinks. Tim and I left around 430am, I think. Upstairs Jason later told me that when he left the sun was rising.
And now it is gone.
My haven, the one place I would go to all by myself and just enjoy the ambiance, was no longer there. People still debate why it closed. It is now a pool hall, and not a very good one at that.
After Shattered I found new watering holes and friends and life went on, with less dancing but still went on. However, I sometimes dream of dancing to New Order's "Temptation" and Joy Division's "Ceremony" with Bevin, sweating and jamming our heels into the wood floors.
The Diner downtown hasn't been doing so well, rumors have it. Tim and I say that if the Diner, being the last thing in Columbia worth a shit, closes we are out of here. (Tim and I already plan to leave but we'd never visit if it closes! I guess there is still Flat Branch?)

Pictures: From top to bottom- Tim, Jason and Dave after graduation. Tim and I last summer at 80s night. The view of the crowd from the stage on the last night. Mikey, after hours, serving shots straight from the bottle to the mouth.

Arrested Development

2008-07-19T22:51:00.002-05:00

Arrested Development is the kind of the state I am feeling, it is also a very funny show!
So Tim and I had a late night conversation about the horrific idea of us living in Columbia forever. Our conclusion is going back to school. Tim, I know could get into any school he wants, affording some limitations, but in St. Louis he could basically go anywhere. Me, however, screwed around too much the first two years to have a high enough GPA making it a more difficult path, but with some determination I think I could go back (and god knows I would take it more seriously provided that my future would be on the line, in a sense).
Tim thinks he would like to dabble in advertising or do more media type stuff. For a while I was honestly thinking of going to get a masters of education, focus on math, not English, since, seriously, I was way better at it then writing papers. I majored in English in the first place because Mizzou didn't provide a creative writing major, only an emphasis (so basically with 9 hours of creative writing classes I had some how emphasized it? or something like that). Well, jumping into a program like that might be a tid bit difficult. So, of course, after talking to Bevin recently about her new job, I am thinking more seriously about a MBA. I also think I would enjoy it better than teaching kids.... Bevin and I have been talking for the past year about opening up our own shop eventually (vintage, duh!). This is a ten year plan, so we aren't really in any hurry, but I am in a hurry to pay off debt, live better, and not work in sales (unless it was my shop).
Is it stupid of me to even think about getting a MBA? Could I get into any program? I think I am social enough to be in business, but you need a lot more than that... It seems ambitious and maybe out of my league, but I don't want to live in Columbia forever, thinking how I could have, should have, needed to have... ya' understand? Honestly I am writing this seeking approval from mom and Bridgett... and ignore the damn tattoos, I'll wear blouses. I just don't want to be a teacher.

2008-07-16T23:38:00.005-05:00

After seeing my mom's version and then my sister's, I had to try it. Go to Flickr and type in answers, only use photos from the first page. Then Mosaic Maker and paste URLS. I did my 4x3 but they did theirs 3x4

1. Colleen Corby, 2. Cream Cheese Monster, 3. Bishop DuBourg retirement center chapel, 4. Just a Orchid, 5. eyes wide open, 6. coffee & the city, 7. A TRIBUTE TO A DEAR FRIEND. (KILKENNY, IRELAND), 8. 1030 calories..., 9. Cow Parede IV - The Cow and the Poet, 10. Sunshine through trees, 11. what i do for flickr! LOL, 12. Final walk of its age.

1. What is your first name? Colleen 2. What is your favorite food? cream cheese 3. What high school did you attend? Bishop DuBourg 4. What is your favorite color? purple (currently) 5. Who is your celebrity crush? David Bowie 6. What is your favorite drink? coffee 7. Where would you go on your dream vacation? Ireland 8. What is your favorite dessert? dark chocolate ____ 9. What do you want to be when you grow up? poet 10. What do you love most in life? sunshine 11. Choose one word to describe you? picky 12. Your Flickr name? Custom Concern

Could I possibly become a foot model? I doubt it... and I doubt much of this blog with make sense (either).

2008-07-14T22:03:00.006-05:00

So the last week came to a head this morning (read previous post for that story) and all day, though most of it was spent on and off napping, I've been thinking about it. Audrey came to visit for 5 days, which would have been a better trip for everyone if
1) there had been clear cut plans made for each night/day
2) I hadn't had to cover all my boss's shifts for her birthday
3) I wasn't so goddamn grumpy cause it's hot and humid
Some of those things were unavoidable.
It was just a stressful week and now I am dreading the move I have to make in a couple weeks.
One of the thoughts I've been dabbling with is how I too often try to take on other peoples dilemmas, so to speak, but in the long run criticize them for having the dilemma. It has to be one of my biggest flaws. I see the problem and know how I would fix/deal with it but instead of giving sound advice that would match the person I get flustered as they stumble around like a chicken with their head cut off, which leads me to saying out right how I feel. Often that turns into the person feeling hurt/talked at and not heard. I understand this flaw in myself but it is so hard not to yell "YOU ARE BEING A FUCKING IDIOT!". It's hypocritical. I wonder when I will learn to use this logic for my own well being, or when will someone yell at me?
The stars must be screwing with me.
However, I should mention that the good times from this week were very enjoyable. Some highlights were late night talks/walks, dancing in some random girl's kitchen, and hitting up Shakespeare's after a long dry period. (The dancing had to have been the best part. We had stumbled upon this party by word of mouth, actually Chris's mouth, and thought it would be some huge extravaganza but instead it was Chris, Carrie, Audrey, Jay (the girl who lived there), and I. In Jay's kitchen we all were dancing like sexy goofballs. It was very ridiculous, in the extremely fun way.)
Now Audrey is back in KC, Tim and I are talking, with at least one misunderstanding per hour, and tomorrow I only work the morning shift and not all day. Life is semi back to normal, yet I am still thinking. Maybe tomorrow I will have some awe inspiring experience. I believe I need a vacation of my own.

I've come to terms with the impossibilities of me becoming a hand model...

2008-07-14T07:57:00.004-05:00

I am awake at 8am on a Monday because at 7 Tim decided to throw a fit about the usage of a fan in the bedroom. Where he claims normal people cool down when they sleep, as usual, by him, I am classified as abnormal because I heat up. So after he threw a tantrum, I tried to ignore, he grabbed the fan and tossed it into the corner where his clothes go to die, and now I guess the fan, too... So I am up, sort of out of spite, and sort of out of sheer depression. I wonder how much control I have over my life, or maybe how much I like it. It's easier to decide which of those terrible choices suits one best when not occupying a college town one feels incredibly lonely in.
Beyond the fact that I am young and stupid and, therefore, so is Tim, (despite his attempts to ostracize me as being the only one) mornings have to be my favorite. Since college years I've rarely experienced an early morning like today and although I am feeling pretty down it helps that I am awake. It's a chilly, very sunny morning. Looking through the window of the office and into the small tree line outside, I all of the sudden feel like I am in Claire's little red Nissan, driving past Tower Grove on our way to school at 8am (late since school started at 730) after staying up till 2am practicing for one of the high school plays. Just how the sunlight peers through the over reaching branches reminds me of the way it did in Tower Grove. But, this is only an early morning or dusk phenomenon. There is a certain reflection of light off the leaves that the sun can't achieve in the mid afternoon. My point is, although I feel unhappy, I am happy. Also, I plan to ditch Tim to ride my bike to the grocery store just cause I know that will piss him off.

I beat all the boys at RISK, what have you done recently!

2008-07-03T22:44:00.004-05:00

It's Thursday night and because tomorrow is the 4th of July and work is in nonexistence mode, I proceed to drink, alone, listening to Donovan and whatever sappy songs I can get a hold of.
Last week was terrible. I crashed again... hit a curb and went flying... hurt my shoulder and will have a couple of scars to remember... "thats the time.. I love her best.." (a little interjection). But, that just started off the week. Later there would be pre-teens throwing sodas at the front door of the vintage shop, because I asked them to next time dispose of the litter in the trash can up the block and not on the front stoop of the shop!

ahhh now some Book of Love, totally forgot about this gem in my music collection... OH how great!

The next night I get a little too wasted at Boone with Justine and Andrew, proceed to the pub where Nick is having his go away party before leaving to Europe for a month.... There Nick and I pick up a few of his friends when heading back to my place to hangout... I warn them of any activities that might take place, they show no hesitation... Once at my place we proceed with our planned activities...
The next thing I know, one of those kids is throwing up in my sink and the other trying to see the thrower upper while knocking off the framed picture I have of my sisters and I... picking it up he realizes the glass is broken... "uhhhh, I think I broke this"
Nick- "oh I think it is just some religious thing..."
me- "What, you broke my precious picture of my family!"
kid- "uhh, I guess"
me- "YOU DID! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?!!"
kid- "I will pay for it..."
My guild sets in at this point... I had bought that frame for 50 cents at salv army. I say "yeah you'll pay for it! Give me a dollar" So, my guilt wasn't fully intact...
Bad luck comes in threes and there are my threes, besides that 50cents I made...

Then I won at RISK on Sunday! Making up for the whole week!

But,.... I am here alone, no work tomorrow, wishing I was in St. Louis... wishing Audrey lived here again, or Bevin, Kristan, someone worth the shit to talk to...

girls, parked cars and sidewalks may be what I'd like to consider my enemy, but we all know it's the booze

2008-06-15T13:48:00.004-05:00

Last night I had my first 'accident'... going down Flatbranch park trail I took a sudden turn thinking I was coming up onto Stewart but realized, as I saw blurry lights from cars and the water fountain, that this was one turn too early. Already at too fast of a speed and 7 drinks down, I was unable to halt or turn my bike the other way or what ever my dumbass drunk self thought would be wise. Instead my bike skidded out from under me, my left knee scrapped against the smooth concrete, then my shoulder and finally my head bounced twice, leaving me motionless for a half a second as my brain took in all that had just happened. (mind you, I don't ride at night let alone drunk without a helmet (and flashy lights!), actually a white skateboarding helmet that Nick gave me, it is very cute, and has proven itself more than worthy!) Realizing that those car light I saw might have just witnessed my demise I hurried up on my feet, a little more sober, got my bike and rode off, a little more slower. I made it home fine, however I should have walked that bike home...
So I refitted a 1950's full circle style skirt into a dress, gave it straps and belted it at the waist. I felt self conscious about wearing it because I always do about items I've made or altered. Justine thought it was cute, which is a good thing since she is miss classy, but when riding my bike from Boone (where Justine works) to the Fugue (where Miranda was spending her last night in town before moving to New Orleans) I was shouted at from a passing car. I pride myself in having the ability to sew and wear dresses while on a bike, but that pride slipped, when going through a light a female shouted "That dress is ugly!".... I am pretty sure she was talking to me but I didn't turn her way to give her the satisfaction, so it could have been someone else.... WHAT THE FUCK! Why is it that females bash on other females!?! It really makes me sad... come on! I admit that it has taken me plenty of time to realize that not every girl is my enemy and having girlfriends has been a life savor! If you don't like my dress, how about next time you get out of you gas guzzler and you say it to my face! OH, or is it that if you said it to my face you'd look like a fool?! Not because I would feel compelled to alter your face but because mean people look like fools! *sigh* However, when getting on my bike before my 'accident' a young man getting on his motorcycle said
"hey, girl, I like your dress"
me- "thanks" feeling the pride swell with in me I then put on my helmet
"OH, and that helmet is awesome!"
Whether he wanted me or was being nice doesn't matter, I felt vindicated. Even if the dress isn't fashionable I am wearing it again!

So, side not: My birthday rocked, despite the few snags... I love my family, because they reveal to me, me.... and I love my friends, although sometimes they say stupid shit... and Kristan rocks, because she hanged with me, like all day! (and never once did she say something stupid). Also, I can't be happier to see my sister happy!

Am I dreaming?

2008-06-06T19:02:00.003-05:00

Is reality dreaming
of reality?

If his eyes can't see me
They are awful liars,
crowding the knot in my throat,
the guilt in my chest,
the whimper of my whimpering self...

Done nothing but dream.
Of words that are forced
motions not taken
and the inevitable hurt I can wrought.

In seconds, I might steal a chair
an unwanted heart,
a drive across a town we've never seen
but always, you show up
not looking
not knowing,
but
just there.

Remind me
what reality is,
not the comfort of hapless dreaming,
or my hapless bed,
just confusion of where lines are defined,
where it all starts and ends.

In the ghetto.... (like the song)

2008-05-21T21:56:00.003-05:00

So if Columbia had a ghetto that is where I would be residing next year... http://columbiamo.craigslist.org/apa/683578683.html check it out! That is the lovely little bungalow where Tim and I will be moving, cross your fingers. However, not exactly the nicest part of town but by far not the most dangerous... if there is a dangerous part of Columbia. On one side of the house is a little fenced in yard with flowers and another 'bungalow', and on the other side, a sand pit full of children's toys... but the people look nice enough. And who cares, anything would be better then the foolishness we put up with coming from behind our balcony, ask Tim, ask Audrey! they know what I'm talking about! We saw the place and it wasn't the neighborhood that won us (ha), or the actually terrific wood floors, or the gigantic kitchen (that picture doesn't give it justice), nope it was the backyard... fenced in and large, surrounded by trees and brush, with a clothes line where birds were perching waiting for bugs to jump out of the beautifully overgrown green grass. I just imagined doing the dishes looking out on that (yes a huge window above the sink views the backyard) and Burt jumping up to get a glance while Rosemary waits patiently for him to get an update on the type of bird and how many... screw the rest, that is all I need. So we find out tomorrow!

Finishing what I started and adding another night

2008-05-11T15:23:00.004-05:00

So to continue Friday night... The girl from high school insisted that we hangout next time I am at Shakes, which will be soon knowing me. I think it would be interested to see her again...

So Saturday I wake up way tooooooo tired to want to go to work and work all day, but c'est le vive... I made espresso in the attempt to get my dragging ass going. Once at work i did my morning ritual of getting things together in the shop, because no one ever comes in the first 30 min. we are open, but not this day... I want to say her name is Karen, I know she is from Canada originally and has a 4 month old son who is such a cutie, well her and him came in only ten minutes after opening. When I went out front to greet her, I realized that a gentleman was looking through our clothes. He looks up at me and asks "are you the proprietor?"
-"Nope, just an employee"
-Do you buy, give store credit
-Yes sir, we do, cash or store credit (I of course said this in my "I am here for your every dying need" voice, because honestly I couldn't see this conversation going anywhere but.)
-Well, I just moved from KC.... blah blah blah
-Yes, we try to buy mainly vintage but will buy things that are in the style as well... blah blah blah
I helped Karen get a dress off the mannequin that I knew would be to big for her but she often buys items that are too small/big and alters them. So no prob. He continues.
-blah blah blah
-oh
-blah blah blah
-hmmm
After learning his age and blood type he asks if I was attending Mizzou.
-Nope, graduated last May.
-OH. In what?
-English
-So, you like to read.
-Why, yes!
The conversation turns into a who knows who of authors and recommendations, which I appreciate because I am not well read enough at almost 23... somehow I let slip out that I am an aspiring poet...
-Have you published?
-Nope
-Do you plan to?
-Yeah, sure.
-Do you not like people reading your stuff?
-Well.... I haven't wrote a poem worth my time in almost 3 years, but when if I start producing things that I like I won't mind the occasional reader and publication... (maybe I wasn't so eloquent at the time)
-I once went 6 years without writing. And then one day after journaling and collecting things from free flow, I was able to make something.
-OH MY GOD! YOU JUST GAVE ME HOPE!!!
The conversation died off from there since I was at work and customers were starting to file in. He said his goodbyes and "have a good day" s and was off.
I needed that.
So last night was a hoot!
After serious contemplation I came to realize that I needed to get off my ass and hangout with Audrey, whether or not it was at Eastside... So I hopped on my bike in the very rainy windy night and rode my ass downtown. Once to Eastside I was re-directed to McNallys so I popped my bike into the back room of the shop and headed that way. Once there I had a great time talking with people and drinking, ran into my ex who tried to be friendly but I just didn't care either way, since he is my EX, bought drinks for people and they for me, almost got blown over running to Kristy's car, Bevin called and got her kiss!!!, and then off we were to a party down west broadway.
The wind was crazy! The dancing inside was what I needed! The Evan Williams Andrew bought was gross... it was a damn good time! We stayed till the WEE hours and then I was dropped off to a very dark apartment building... I was confused at first at the weird emergency lights on and the lack of light from the normal fixtures.... I unlocked the door and tried to switch on the already "on" light and that is when it hit me... "we have no power" I called Tim (he was at his over night job) and we reminisced about the time in winter when we lost power and played poker by candle light... I had wished him there for the same experience but fine, whatever, work comes first... I passed out to the dark apartment, the howling wind and Rosemary never failing to find my hand to pet her.
It has been a good couple days. Sleeping better, most likely cause of booze, hanging out with people I love to see and having a damn good time... C'EST LE VIVE!

An update of the last few nights... and days

2008-05-10T22:20:00.002-05:00

Against all reasoning I went out on Thursday night... Audrey called me and I couldn't resist! The girl moves away in just a week, I didn't want to miss the opportunity of having a classic Thursday night with her. And, it was classic.
I started at Shakes, wow what a surprise! But, everyone was sitting outside chain smoking and it made the whole Shakes environment a little different. It was fun. Chris had messaged about a double decker house party on Walnut and Nick had talked to me briefly about heading there too, so it was no surprise when Bojan announced that was where he was going, therefore, that was where we were going. So off we went, Andrew, Jennette, Audrey and I to conquer a college house party with dancing. (If you have failed to read my last couple entries, I have had a serious hankering for dancing)
We arrive after our joyful journey across town by foot and find a chaotic mess of people falling out of the house and into the yard. Girls attempting to slide done a very steep hill that was not forgiving since it had rained earlier. Drunk fools yelling and pushing their way through a drunken haze of people. And us. I don't believe I was the most sober one of the group, I have a feeling that they saw the party like I did. But, never mind the chaos, we had come to have fun and insistent to not be a nay sayer and get right into the action, I followed my trustworthy friends into the basement dance party. (however, I must add that before entering I ran into Chris, Sam, Tia, all drunk and seemingly happy) Before descending the basement's dark stairwell to, what I will dub later as, a lame ass rave style party we picked up Nick in the kitchen where he was super trashed! Once down in the abyss, dancing happened. But, not exactly what I was looking for. Now don't get me wrong it was damn fun hanging out with friends and knowing that everyone was having a good time but the music was LAME-O! What I am still getting a kick out of is Bojan. Every time the song "changed", if there was any difference in last and the next one, Bojan would declare gleefully that "OH, I LOVE THIS SONG" or "OH, THIS IS MY FAVORITE". What? They all sounded like techno shit to me but I guess I am not a music connoisseur? Whatever.
So after a long period of me kind of dancing and feeling really weird we headed out front again to have a cigarette, right before several cop cars arrived and we were asked to leave the premises. From there onward Nick and I rode our bikes home in a very distasteful drunken fashion, proceeded to be complemented at a red light for our bikes and then in pure exhaustion in my parking lot, let my bike topple onto me where I fell into mud and laughed. OH what a night! (it was fun, just too drunken)
So last night was not nearly as much fun but still worth the effort. Tiffany, a friend from the dorms came into town and I met here, Chris and Miranda at Boone where we got drunk and then Chris and I went to Shakes, where Audrey was. It wasn't all that bad besides the tension of Bojan being there and Chris with me and my distaste for Bojan's nasty attitude (yes, I distaste all nasty attitudes but my own). Anyhow, it was good, I got to talk to Audrey, see Kristy for a second and chain smoke outside. I ran into an old highschool "friend" that had choir with me and we talked for quite a while. That wasn't terrible since she doesn't seem to be at all like she was in highschool and neither am I.
GODDAMMIT I need to get ready to go out. I will write about the interesting experience I had today with a guy who gave me hope... later.

Sunset Boulevard

2008-05-08T19:48:00.002-05:00

This will be quick since tonight is mine and Tim's watching TV night (30 Rock, Lost, etc).

Thanks Audrey for being a friend, and I beg you not to move away, although KC is closer than Chicago... still, consider it...

To the point. Sunset Boulevard is a GREAT movie. Not just because it is a classic and I finally saw it for the first time today, but because the whole time I was entranced by Norma Desmond, mega crazy bitch living in her own silent movie... OH it was fantastic. OK Tim is yelling for me to come back to the living room, final episode of scrubs.

The end of the day

2008-05-07T21:54:00.002-05:00

I am happy to go to bed.
Although, the day did not prove fruitful, it makes it easier for me to say "farewell you fucking day".

This blog shit is making me addicted to writing/thinking.
That couldn't have possibly happened in just three days...

I can't wait to get under the covers, Burt on his back by my legs and Rose curled up by my feet.

I am finding the little things.

I haven't been sleeping

2008-05-07T16:46:00.003-05:00

Another night of lackluster sleep. I am done with it.
Too often my thoughts plague me right before bed making it impossible for me to enter the dream world, which I'd rather be in than lying there worrying about how my actions effected people through out the day. It is total bullshit.
I wonder if other people have the same problem.
I bet they do, or hope.
So, despite my tired state, today was not so bad, thus far.
I am still fretting over the little shit. It is giving me high anxiety. It also could be the lack, or rather, the absence of smoking.

I hate people who wake up early and proceed to tousle aluminum cans about in a very loud fashion. What is the point of that? Crazy guys who live behind me!

I am very tired.

I need a good night, where I don't feel out of place. I miss a month ago, when things weren't so bad. Or, maybe I was too drunk to notice. But, wasn't everyone?

It's hard to hold on to something that doesn't want to be held, obviously. But I'd rather not let go.

I don't think people know me outside of DRUNK LOUD COLLEEN...
I am not holding onto that.

I don't think people would consider me a conversationalist... but, it seems every time I see Nick I have the best conversations with him. He get me, though. He's known me for almost 8 years.

I can't wait till I go home for my birthday. We are going to go to Shakespeare in the Park (if it has started) then a chocolate bar (I hope) and then out dancing somewhere (because that alone would be the best birthday present. Oh, and seeing the sisters.)

Did I mention that I want a good night soon? So good that I am exhausted the next day from the tons of fun I had! I have not had that in a while. I think the night Shattered closed was the last time.
When Shattered was open I never felt like I had to have a set of friends because I had dancing at least once a week. That made me happy enough. I hope Nick has a dance party soon. I am tired of feeling restless.

Things change more than they stay the same

2008-05-06T22:11:00.008-05:00

I got the chance to hangout with some friends I haven't seen or talked to in a while, for one reason or another, this was last week, actually three night in a row. I really enjoyed their company for the most part because for once I wasn't at Eastside, Shakespeare's or Tellers getting hammered and then getting into some stupid argument that ultimately leaves someone very angry and secondly, they were nice to me all night. (not just when they were too incapacitated to forget if they liked me or not) Actually, before last night, the last time I hanged out with the people I call my "recent" friends was at one of those three bars and there was an argument and since then I feel like I've been tugging at thin pieces of thread to keep them around.
Ok, so I admit that I'd prefer to sit in the dark all night then hang out with some of those "recent" friends, but more than often I get drunk and either become falsely buddy buddy with them (which in the morning I regret) or I start an unreasonable war with them (which, also, in the morning I regret). However, the ones that I like to hang out with because I like them have put me on their "I am hanging out with you because 1) I have to or 2) oops we've run into eachother" list of friends or that's the vibe I am getting. I can feel the tension, something that has just recently come into existence and I wonder, what bridge have I burned? Honestly, it is probably karma hitting me over the head. How can I expect honesty when I am not being honest, or real friendship when I falsely give mine away?
This is all very frustrating. Very frustrating. Because, I am usually too passive aggressive in these situations to get them solved. It makes my old friends seem pretty darn good, but... the reason why things fell apart is similar; someone didn't like my attitude and I didn't like theirs and neither of us were willing to take an unbiased look at the situation. Well, I have been racking my brain over this new position and I feel unjustly judged. The funny thing is the argument that probably burned the bridge and put karma into full action was about elitism. Elitism? I was not for elitism and argued, very poorly and in bad taste (drunk), that good can be found in anything or anyone. However, the people I was arguing against I rarely find good in them, at least recently and before in the past, and, sometimes, believe I am SO much better than them. My point is that all of us were being elitist, some more than others (I'd like to fool myself) but in the end every single fucking one us were or have recently been elitist!

e·lit·ism or é·lit·ism (-ltzm, -l-)n.

1. The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources.

a. The sense of entitlement enjoyed by such a group or class.

b. Control, rule, or domination by such a group or class

I thought a definition was in order.

But that is said. and done. I needed to get it out because I feel a huge change in my life is about to start but know deep down that it is not going to be easy or fun. And, I didn't want this to happen, I liked my friends.

In other news, Tim and I had to bring Rosemary and Burt to Nick's place today while management inspected the apartment. We thought it'd be best not to get charged for our "illegal" cats. Oh it was fun! Nick has a dog and they LOVED that. Rosemary spent most of the day behind a dresser fool of tools on Nick's sun porch but Burt could have cared less as long as he had food and a window.
After getting done with bringing them there I realized how horrible I felt, I think I had a fever and called into work. Jen wasn't too thrilled because she had planned to be out of town for the day but still didn't want me to come in (after I insisted I didn't want to wreck her plans) if I was sick BUT thinks we need to hire another person so this doesn't happen again. I feel like a bitch... I think the fever came on from drinking last night, not sleeping well, and just feeling pretty shitty about most things. UGGG! as charlie brown would say...
So tomorrow I am waking up with a fucking better attitude. I plan to not fret over petty things, try to make amends with life and stop being "woah is me", it's fucking pathetic. If I insist that tomorrow be a good day I think some of this paranoia will subside or prove right in its own time.

across town

2008-05-05T20:45:00.002-05:00

Today (a very beautiful one), traveling across town by bike to run errands and look for apartments was very enjoyable. I think I am addicted.

first time

2008-05-04T15:09:00.000-05:00

The first time is always the best? Or the worst? Or maybe, more correctly, not as memorable as you'd of liked.
I have never had a blog. Perhaps it is because I fear it will be self indulgent... but what isn't? After a slow persuasion of myself and a friend advising it might be a good idea, I have become a blogger. (Now if I ever reproduce I can tell those off springs of mine "Well, yes, in the early 21st century when computers were still a science I joined the blog sphere, an up and coming world in those times..." Nope, nevermind, I probably wont ever mention it.)
I believe in this time of my life I need an outlet that contains writing. Being an aspiring poet that hasn't wrote a poem in months and before that maybe a year (sad eh?), this is a last desperate attempt to get my brain working. I am more depressed than ever about most of my life situations and in the past when things got weird and off balance I wrote. I drank coffee, smoked cigarettes and wrote. Paranoia is the last thing I want or need but if I don't start purging the things in my head I will end up in a cave somewhere "knowing" that world has it in for me.
So here it goes! I will write for cyberspace like I use to write for paper, for no one and nothing else. And, in this process I will most likely divulge way to much about my life, my thoughts, my relationships and my cats. But, that is what I know, and one should write only about what one knows?